Teleplay: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Story: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Directed by: Sheldon Epps
Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Extended DVD content added (in blue) by Matthew G
Further revisions by Darcy Partridge.
[Scene: Monica's apartment]
Joey: (enters the room) Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night?
Chandler: (browsing through his black book) Ah, well, let me see. I believe I'm... Yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.
Joey: Well, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.
Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play.
Phoebe: What is it?
Joey: It's a one-woman play called, "Why Don't You Like Me? A Bitter Woman's Journey Through Life.
Monica: That sounds interesting!
Ross: Yeah, that does sound interesting! I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours? I don't think it gets bett-- (Ross starts fake snoring.)
Phoebe: I know, I know! We can drive. We can vote. We can work. What more do these broads want?
Joey: Well, you guys are gonna have a great time, I promise!
Ross: What? How-how come you don't have to go!
Joey: Oh, well, I wish I could, but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go. But, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.
Chandler: (Consulting his black book again) Ooh! Let's see, who do I hate?
Rachel: (gets up from the sofa and moves to the kitchen but Joey blocks her way) Oh, sorry. Oops, sorry.
Joey: (lifts Rachel up and moves her past him so she can walk on) Okay, up we go.
Rachel: Oh, gosh! Okay. Oh, my God. (to Monica) Ooh. Hey, can I ask you a question?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around and-and not have it be a big deal?
Monica: No, I don't think that ever works. Why?
Rachel: No reason.
Monica: No, no, Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Monica: Who do you wanna fool around with?
Rachel: Nobody, forget it!
Monica: Joey? (She points at Joey.
Rachel: (giggling and whispering) Maybe.
Monica: (whispering) You can't!
Rachel: (whispering) Why?
(Monica gesticulates, whispering rapidly, something that starts with "because".)
Rachel: Okay, seriously, I did not understand a word you just said.
Monica: In the hall.
Rachel: Okay.
[Scene: In the hall]
Monica: You want to fool around with Joey?
Rachel: Yeah! You know what? Ever since I had that dream about him, I can't get it out of my head! I mean, what's the big deal? People do it all the time!
Monica: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around?
Rachel: Okay. Off the top of my head, Don and Janet.
Monica: Hmm. Who are they?
Rachel: I, uh, I know them from work.
Monica: Both of them?
Rachel: No, one of them.
Monica: Which one?
Rachel: I don't know. What were the names I just said?
Monica: Rachel, things could get incredibly complicated.
Rachel: All right. All right, all right. You're right. I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would... (Joey enters the hall) Okay, so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda, and one red onion? (Joey does into his apartment)
Monica: What the hell are you cooking?
Opening credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross enters]
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Huh! You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today.
Chandler: Yes, but, Ross, you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.
Ross: There are these two professors who are joining my department and, uh, I have to meet them here and show them around campus.
Monica: What's so bad about that?
Ross: Well, I just know they're gonna be a couple of old windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches.
Monica: (pointing to an elbow): Ross?
Ross: (looking his elbow, where there's a patch) These aren't suede.
(a woman walks in)
Charlie: (to Gunther) Excuse me. Um, I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller?
Gunther: No.
Ross: Hi. Hi. I'm Ross Geller.
Charlie: Oh, hi. I'm Professor Wheeler.
Ross: Oh! Oh, that's-that's-that's nice.
Charlie: It's, uh, it's good to meet you. Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around.
Ross: Oh, no. It's no big deal. I mean, if I weren't doing this, I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out.
Monica: (to Chandler) Is he gonna introduce us?
Chandler: I think we're just blurry shapes to him now.
Charlie: Oh, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
Ross: Oh, ha. I-I wrote that in one night.
Monica: (to chandler) Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.
Ross: Well, we should probably get going. You know, we got a lot of ground to cover.
Charlie: Oh, uh, isn't there another professor that is supposed to come with us?
Ross: I don't think so.
Charlie: I-I'm pretty sure. A Professor Spafford from Cornell?
Ross: Uh, well, he's obviously late, and the rule in my class is: If you can't come on time, then don't come at all. An option that many of my students use. Shall we?
Charlie: You don't think we should wait for him?
Ross: Oh, you know what? He's a big boy. I'm sure he'll find us. Okay?
Professor Spafford: Professor Geller?
Ross: Aw, damn it!
[Scene: Joey's apartment]
(Rachel enters the room and checks the answering machine)
Jan: (from the answering machine) Hi, Joey. It's Jan Rogers. Can't wait for your party, tonight. Listen, I forgot your address. Can you give me a call? Thanks. Bye.
Joey: (entering the room) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: What's happening?
Rachel: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight.
Joey: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day, you know. You know me, work comes first.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. (she plays the answering machine)
Message: "Hi, Joey. It's Jan Rogers. Can't wait for your party, tonight." (Joey's upset and stops it)
Joey: Stupid Jan Rogers!
Rachel: You are having a party tonight?!
Joey: No!Rachel: Joey!
Joey: Yeah.
I'm kinda having a-a thing for the Days Of Our Lives people.Rachel: And you weren't going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do that every year?!
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that! God, I'm stupider than Jan Rogers!
Rachel: (Gasps) That's why you got us tickets to that play! To get rid of us!
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: And last year, is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: (Gasps) And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
Joey: (Smiling) I can't believe you guys went for that one!
Rachel: Alright, Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties?
Joey: Well, you're fine, okay? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people!
Rachel: Well, then, so you just invite me.
Joey: Please, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one!
Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please, please.
Joey: Okay, okay, okay! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8.
Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) Oh! A soap-opera roof party! I'm going to a soap-opera roof party! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!! (realizing how she's behaving) And it's out of my system!
[Scene: Ross, Charlie and Professor Spafford are sitting at the table in a restaurant]
Professor Spafford: (speaking very slowly) And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
Ross: (very bored, so he tries speak to Charlie) So, where did you get your undergraduate degree?
Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.
Ross: Oh, it's not over!
Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts...
Ross: So basically, all nuts?
Professor Spafford: Interestingly, no.
Charlie: Kinda playing it fast and loose with the word "interesting".
Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to use the restroom. When I come back, remind me to tell you about the different types of animal dander I'm allergic to. (he goes away)
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Ross: I've lost the will to live.
Charlie: Let's ditch him!
Ross: What?
Charlie: Come on, while he's still in the bathroom! I am begging you!
Ross: Okay. Okay, fine. But, um, I just have one question for you. Um, when we exit, should we walk, or run, or prance, or stroll?
Charlie: Stop it! Stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Okay, let's move! (they run outside)
[Scene: The Hall. Ross and Charlie are just coming up the stairs.]
Ross: Oh, we, uh, actually managed to salvage the day.
Charlie: Yeah, we did. Thanks for spending so much time with me.
Ross: Oh.
Charlie: I'm so lucky it worked out that you don't have class on Tuesday.
Ross: (thinks about that comment) Right. (Opens the door a little deflated.)
(They both enter Monica and Chandler's apartment.)
Ross: (entering with Charlie) Oh, hey, you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.
Phoebe: Hi!
Ross: Yeah, Charlie is going to be, uh, joining my department.
Phoebe: Oh, you're a paleontologist, too! (pause) Oh, okay, now, what do you think of, um, Renyard's new theory of species variegation in segmented arthropods?
Charlie: Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Charlie: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this. Excuse me. (she steps aside)
Ross: (to Phoebe) Renyard's theory of species variegation?
Phoebe: Yeah. I saw the article on your coffee table. I memorized the title to freak you out!
Monica: (to Ross) So did you two have fun?
Ross: Oh! Oh, my God. She's-she's great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and she's just cool, you know? And funny.
Monica: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a hotty! (That last word was loud and high pitched) (Charlie looks at her) (Still in the high voice) Hi!
Rachel: (she enters wearing a bath-robe) Hey. Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I'm not feeling really well, and I don't think I'm gonna get to go to the play.
Ross: Really? What-what's wrong?
Rachel: Well, I don't know. I think it's kind of serious! Um, you know, I was watching this thing on TV this morning about Newcastle disease and I think I might have it!!
Charlie: Uh, Newcastle disease is a secretion-borne virus that only affects chickens and other poultry.
Rachel: Okay, who's this?
Ross: I'm sorry. Rachel, this is Charlie Wheeler. She's a colleague.
Rachel: Oh, hi! I would shake your hand but I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease!
Monica: Hey, Rachel? Can-can I see you for a sec?
Rachel: Sure! (Monica takes her aside) Oh...
Monica: You're not sick!
Rachel: What? Yes, I am!
Monica: Okay, then why are you (she opens her robe revealing a nice black dress) all dressed up?
Rachel: When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! (she closes her robe)
Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey!
Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before. That is so not what this is!
Monica: Okay, then what is this?
Rachel: (Sighs.) Okay! Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you!
Monica: (Loudly) What?
Ross: Why? What's-what's going on?
Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof!
Rachel: And-and he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!!
Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick.
Rachel: Alright, professor or detective?
Phoebe: Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us?
Rachel: Yeah. He does it every year! That's why he's sending you to the play! That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant, and to that button factory!
Phoebe: And that-that horrible museum tour!
Ross: No, I arranged that.
(Joey enters, wearing a bathrobe)
Joey: (sounds tired) Hey, you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.
Phoebe: We know about your party, Joey.
Joey: What party?
Monica: The game's over! Take off your robe!
Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe) Okay, I mean...
Everyone: No!! Cover it up!!
Joey: (to Charlie after covering himself up again) Nice to meet you! (Charlie waves hesitantly and Joey leaves)
[Scene: The Roof]
Joey: (To some people) Hey! You made it! Alright! Hey, glad you could make it. Thanks for coming.
Monica: Oh, my God! Kyle Lowder!
Kyle Lowder: Hi. (walks on)
Monica: (Yells after him) I love you!
Joey: Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. You have to calm down, alright? Jusy go-- go get yourself a drink or something.
Monica: Oh, yeah, that's what you want. My inhibitions lowered.
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: (Excited) Oh, my God! Can you believe we are surrounded by all this? I can barely control myself.
Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember that you're married. Where is Chandler anyway? (Looks around)
Monica: (Shocked) Oh, my God! Chandler!
[Scene: The theater. Chandler is sitting in the otherwise empty front row, looking around nervously]
Chandler: Where the hell is everybody?
(The lights dim and Chandler tries to get away but as the bitter lady comes on stage and starts yelling he promptly changes his mind and sits down)
Bitter lady: (yelling) Why don't you like me?! Chapter One: My first period.
[Scene: The Roof, Rachel is talking to a guy who hands her a tissue with something written on it]
Monica: (to Rachel) Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she's getting one, I want one too. "To Monica." And none of this "Best wishes" crap. I want "Love".
Rachel: Okay, actually, uh, Mon. Matthew was-- was giving me his phone number.
Monica: Oh, man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would have gotten married!
Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you, Rachel.
Rachel: Nice to meet you.
Matthew Ashford: Call me (turns to leave).
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: (yelling after him) We will!
Monica: (to Rachel) Look at you, with all the guys!
Rachel: Yeah!
Monica: I guess you've forgotten all about Joey?
Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess-- I guess I have forgotten about Joey. And, clearly, you've forgotten about Chandler!
Monica: Please. Chandler is the love of my life. (A man in leather pants walks by) Oh, leather pants! Have Mercy! (Follows the man in the leather)
(cut to Ross and Charlie)
Charlie: So do you get to go things like this often?
Ross: Oh, hey, come on. This is New York. I mean, one night you're at rooftop party filled with soap stars and the next night, you're.... Oh, who am I kidding? This is so cool. So, uh, it's probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh?
Charlie: Actually, I'm kinda happy to be leaving. I just broke up with someone.
Ross: Oh, so sad! Uh, still, it can't be easy for you to leave Harvard? Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer?
Charlie: Actually, Albie is the guy I broke up with.
Ross: You-you dated Albert Wintermeyer?
Charlie: Yeah.
Ross: And you called him "Albie"? (laughs) I mean, that's like-like calling Albert Einstein, uh, Albie.
Charlie: Yeah. Well, he is a brilliant man.
Ross: Uh, you think? I mean, you went out with the guy who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10!
Charlie: Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues.
Ross: Oh? Like what? (Charlie looks at him confused, but smiling) Oh, I'm sorry. I don't mean to pry. It's just that this must be what regular people experience when they watch "Access Hollywood".
Charlie: Okay, you want the dirt? Albie was seriously insecure. I mean, he was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him.
Ross: Who's intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize?
Charlie: A guy who won two.
Ross: Two? What--? Don't tell me you dated Benjamin Hobart.
Charlie: Yeah. For three years.
Ross: Oh, my God! Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasn't won the Nobel Prize?
Charlie: (smiling and thinks for a moment) No. But, oh, there was my first boyfriend Billy.
Ross: Oh, yeah? No Nobel Prizes for him?
Charlie: No, but he did just win a MacArthur "genius grant."
Ross: (Scoffs) What a loser! Some more wine? (takes the half-full glasses and goes to the counter)
Phoebe: Hey, Ross!
Rachel: How is it going with Charlie?
Ross: Oh, great! After I finish my wine I'm going to blow my, uh, average-sized brains out.
Phoebe: Oh, what's the matter?
Ross: She only dates geniuses and-and Nobel Prize winners. Oh, my God. At the Chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretended to be a woolly mammoth.
Rachel: I always loved that!
Ross: Of course you would! Your brains are smaller than mine! (Rachel nods) Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! Oh, my God!
Phoebe: Worse?
Ross: Oh, much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians: "Can we walk"? (Phoebe starts laughing) Oh, you-you like that?
Phoebe: (still laughing) No. (points to Rachel who stuck two straws in her mouth to look like a mammoth's tusks)
Ross: What? (turns around to look at Rachel)
Rachel: Come on! I think that's funny! Woolly mammoth? It's good! (Ross leaves)
[Scene: Chandler in the theater]
Bitter lady: Well, I bet you're all thinking. "Now would be a really great time for an intermission," huh?
Chandler: (To himself) Oh, yes. God, yes!
Bitter lady: (now yelling) Well, you're not gonna get one! Because in life there are no intermissions, people! Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4 letter word. (Now standing right in front of Chandler and bending down almost to his level as if speaking to him, yelling even louder) HOW COULD HE LEAVE ME?!
Chandler: I-I don't know. You seem lovely.
[Scene: The roof, Joey is walking towards Ross with a guy]
Joey: Hey, Ross. This is one of my co-stars, Dirk. Dirk, this is my good friend Ross. (Ross and Dirk shake hands)
Ross: Nice to meet you.
Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on?
Ross: Oh, I'm not an actor, I'm a professor of paleontology.
(Dirk is confused)
Joey: That's science.
Dirk: Oh! Hey, well, listen, I play a scientist on Days. Yeah, my character just won a Nobel prize.
(Ross looks annoyed.)
Joey: Hey, Ross, listen. Dirk was wondering about the woman that you brought and, uh, if you guys were together, or...
Ross: Oh, um, well, no, but, I mean, she-she only goes out with really, really smart guys.
Dirk: Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.
Ross: I'd lead with that.
(Cut to Monica holding up her shirt, revealing her bra. An actor stands beside her, holding a pen in his hand.)
Monica: That's it. Just sign right on the bra. (the actor does so)
Joey: Monica!
Monica: Don't worry, Joe. I-I won't come next year!
(Joey, resigned, walks to Rachel's table)
Joey: (To Rachel) What the-- What do you got there?
Ross: Oh just some boys gave me their phone numbers.
Joey: Oh, really, let me see! (she hands him a pile of tissues) Damn, that's a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty?
Rachel: (drunken voice) I think I am.
Joey: (browsing the tissues) Let me see if I approve any of these clowns. This guy wears a rug (discards one). This guy's Canadian (discards another). And this guy is in a cult, okay? And it costs you $5,000 to get to level three, and I don't feel any different.
(Rachel is puzzled)
Joey: (discarding all the remaining tissues one by one) Pass. Pass. Oh, pass. Pass.
Rachel: (picking up the tissues) Why? Why? What's wrong with these guys?
Joey: Well, nothing major. It's just that, you know, they're not really good enough for you. And you deserve the best.
Rachel: Joey, you're so sweet.
Joey: It's true. But you know what, it doesn't matter, because I already know who you're gonna go home with tonight.
Rachel: Who?
(Joey motions for Rachel to lean in. She does so.)
Joey: Me.
Rachel: (surprised) What? (with a nervous smile) Really?
Joey: Yeah, because we live together. It's a joke! It's a joke!
Rachel: Oh! That's good! Right, that's funny! I get it! (they high-five)
Joey: Got you!
Rachel: You're funny, Joey.
(Joey leaves. Rachel gulps down what's left of her drink and grimaces.)
(Chandler walks up to Monica)
Chandler: So, how did you enjoy the play?
Monica: Oh, my God. Honey, I am so, so, so, so, so, so sorry.
Chandler: Well, you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater!
Monica: You really liked it?
Chandler: Oh, yeah! I mean, at first I hated it. But why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been trained (bitter woman's tone) NOT TO LISTEN! But after Chapter 16: "Fat, Single and Ready to Mingle", I was uplifted.
Monica: Oh, really!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me-- tell me about your first period!
Monica: No!
Chandler: Did somebody sign your bra?
Monica: So I got it when I was 13. Very difficult.
[Scene: At the counter. Ross is sitting there, drinking. Phoebe approaches him.]
Phoebe: Hey, Ross? So, listen. About you and the dinosaur girl. Are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that, come on, a piece of paper?
Ross: It's actually a $1,000,000 prize.
Phoebe: Go, Charlie! But my point is, okay, so she dated them, but she also broke up with them. Maybe she's looking to, you know, slum it with some average Joe Ph.D.
Ross: Yeah, maybe. And I do have my whole career in front of me. I mean, I could still win a Nobel prize. Although the last two papers I've written were widely discredited.
Phoebe: You're so much more than just brains! You are sweet, and kind, and funny.
Ross: And sexy.
Phoebe: Okay, well, give her a chance to see all of that!
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Thanks, Pheebs. I'm gonna go find her.
Phoebe: Good for you! Hey, and I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era was topnotch.
Ross: Stop going through my stuff! (walks away)
(Rachel approaches Monica)
Rachel: (to Monica) Hey.
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: I just wanted to let you know I've changed my mind: I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kiss Joey.
Monica: No! You can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea.
Rachel: Please! What about you and Chandler?
Monica: That's different! I was drunk and stupid!
Rachel: Well, hello! (Indicates herself)
Monica: What about all the guys that you got the phone numbers from? Why don't-- why don't you just kiss one of them?
Rachel: I could. I could! But I don't want to! I want to kiss Joey!
Monica: Alright. I think it's a big mistake but it's-it's your decision.
Rachel: I'm gonna do it.
Monica: And I can't stop you.
Rachel: No.
Monica: Well, can I at least have the phone numbers?!
(Rachel goes look for Joey. She sees him and Charlie kissing passionately.)
Ross: (to Rachel) Hey, Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere?
(Rachel just stands there staring at Joey and Charlie in silence. Ross turns around and sees them.)
Ross: I'm smarter than him!
Closing credits
[Scene: The theater. Monica, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the first line]
Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh, well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you.
Monica: Oh, you're so wonderful.
Bitter woman: Why don't you like me! Chapter One: My First Period.
Chandler: I can't believe you guys bought that. Enjoy your slow death. (runs away)